Relationship IQ
Tips for Parents of College Students
- Smile!
When your teen leaves for college, you should be his/her biggest cheerleader. College students moving away from home need a confident smile to reassure that they are doing the right thing! Of course, you will miss them, but this is a very jubilant, yet apprehensive, moment in their lives!
- Leave a note.
If you are dropping your student off at school, leave a note or card somewhere in their new abode (maybe tuck $20 in also!). After you have left, it will be a nice reminder of how much you care.
- Do not call every day.
So many students now have their own cell phone and it is tempting to want to keep in constant touch. Please start now in cutting the apron strings and talk only a few times/wk. No freshman college student wants Mommy and Daddy checking up on them daily. Let your child know that you trust him/her.
- Ask "generalized" questions.
How are your classes? Are you having a good time? How is the cafeteria food?.... these are great questions that will get better answers than the following: What is your roommate like? (he or she might be listening close by) Are you staying out of trouble? All in all, the less you ask - the more they will tell.
- Use e-mail to talk!
College students are extremely busy, and e-mail lets you talk back and forth at one another's convenience (even if it is at 2 o'clock in the morning!)
- Be a shoulder to cry on.
Sometimes college life can be stressful and frustrating, even for the most studious or sociable kids. Whether it is classes or friends, just listen and do not judge. The easiest way to deal with their issues is just to listen and reassure them that everything will work out and/or tell them to talk with their faculty advisor to resolve class-related issues.
- Have a discussion about "facebook" and "myspace."
These electronic websites can have a lasting effect on a person's life and what is posted there is forever archived to follow the student throughout their lives…..think applying for a job, joining the military, becoming president…… Students are notorious for posting information that is too personal and too informative about themselves (stalkers love these sites). Encourage them to be judicious in what information they post. If you have no idea what these sites are about, look them up because they are an important part of young adult culture now.
- Encourage them.
Encourage them to take over the daily tasks of their lives if they haven't already. Every residence hall has a laundry room! (don't let them tell you we don't!) Every student is expected to keep a reasonably tidy room and share in the suite bathroom cleaning. Some campuses are now offering "student valet services" to do laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. We believe these are things students should be doing themselves and are an important part of college and young adult life.
- Encourage involvement.
College is more than classes and homework. Experience with extracurricular activities is valued by employers. Encourage your child to be active in their field of study; to join clubs and honor societies.
- Enjoy your freedom.
You will miss your child, as any parent would. But remember that you have spent 18 years of your life guiding and raising this person. Now they are on their own. The university has so many staffers to help out and ease the transition. It is your time to sit back and bask in the glory of your work. Pamper yourself, start a hobby, and most of all enjoy life! (I'd say "Go Travel" but we both know all your cash is going to the University!)
- Send them something!!
Most all college students know what time the mail arrives and watch closely each day for their slot to be full. Even if it is just an old picture of them or a short note saying how proud you are of them. SEND SOMETHING and put a smile on the face of the one you love. Most students are poor and cannot afford to keep replenishing toiletries and school supplies they constantly need. So send a bag of toiletries or box of school supplies.
- Have another discussion about alcohol and drugs.
Colleges are very strict about these two things. Suspension from the university occurs if there is a significant amount of drugs involved. Although we make this information known widely and talk it up constantly, many students knowingly violate the policy and are sent packing. We hate to do this. You hate for it to happen. The student is often "surprised" and devastated. This doesn't need to happen. Students simply need to honor our commitment to a drug and alcohol free environment and upholding state and federal law.
- Say good-bye before the last minute.
Once your child is on campus, she or he has already begun making that important separation from you. It may be too awkward and public for everyone to have that intimate moment in the presence of other classmates, families and a roommate. It is suggested to parents that they spend some time earlier, perhaps the night before, having a quiet time together to celebrate their excitement and pride. Let your daughter or son know you will miss them.
- Do NOT make surprise visits to school.
Parents visiting their student is something tricky to deal with because the parents are in the student's world, so they feel very responsible for showing them around and being with them. When the parents show up and the student has no idea they're coming, things get stressful.
- Resist the urge to decorate your child's new dorm room.
One of the best ways for roommates to learn about each other and to forge a good relationship is to work together on how their room is to be arranged and decorated. We believe this is something important for the students to do.
- Talk about credit cards and finances before school begins.
We encourage parents to have a frank discussion about finances with the students. Will the student have a credit card? Should a parent be a co-signer and get copies of the statements? Banks bombard college students with credit-card offers. They start off with low spending limits but raise them rapidly as cards are used. As a result, students can get over their heads in debt and even ruin their credit ratings before they graduate. Make an educated decision on banking and credit card needs.
- Be interested, not critical, of course selection.
Colleges have course selection and degree requirements that need to be addressed during the student's first year. Generally academic advisors give advice on selecting these courses. Parents are advised to express interest in, rather than criticism of, their son's and daughter's choices.
- Your student's grades are no longer sent home via US Mail...
So for you to get a peek at how they did will have to come from them. They receive their grades electronically now, soon after the close of each semester. While it would be invasive to ask for codes and passwords to view these screens, parents who are funding the educational endeavor DO have every right to see how progress is being made. The student should thus be forthcoming in sharing their grades!
Some tips taken from Fairmont State, Wellesley College, and the University of North Texas
Resources are available for parents of college students at:
www.RelationshipIQ.net
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